This is my translation of "Cách Xưng Hô Bằng Tiếng Việt Áp Dụng Trong Gia Đình" from "Kiến Thư" by Phạm Kim Thư, published in Canada, 2001. The content has been modified to remain free of political references.
In this part, you will learn how to use polite language to respond to elders and other family members in Vietnamese and why it is important in the Vietnamese culture.
If you missed the previous parts of this article, please check them here:
Part 1: Assign names to family members according to their hierarchy
Part 2: How to address your parents, parents-in-law and siblings of your parents & grandparents
Part 3: How to address your siblings, husband and wife and your children
III. Characteristics of politeness and courtesy in the Vietnamese pronoun system
Long ago, Vietnamese culture emphasised courtesy and politeness, especially in addressing others. Dutiful and well-behaved children followed the practice of "đi thưa về trình", meaning they would ask for permission before going out and inform their parents upon returning home, rather than coming and going as they pleased. When speaking to their parents or grandparents, children would use "thưa gửi" (a polite way to begin a conversation with elders) and "gọi dạ bảo vâng" (a respectful way to respond to elders), avoiding informal speech with them.
Vietnamese people traditionally say "thưa" before addressing those they respect, such as parents, aunts, uncles, or teachers, who are considered to "carry responsibilities on their shoulders" (gánh vác trên vai). For instance:
"Thưa mẹ, con đi học"
(Mum, I’m going to school)
"Thưa ông bà, con đã đi học về"
(Grandpa, grandma, I’m home from school)
"Thưa cô, con về"
(Teacher, I’m going home)
and "Thưa ba, ba bảo con điều chi ạ?"
(Dad, what would you like to tell me?)
This tradition reflects the deep respect ingrained in Vietnamese familial and social interactions.
When answering parents or grandparents, children normally use: ‘dạ, ạ, vâng ạ, vâng’. If a mother calls her child: ‘Tư ơi?’, the child should say: ‘Dạ’. If she continues: ‘Về ăn cơm!’, the child then say: ‘Vâng’ (North) or ‘Dạ’ (South). They also use ‘ạ’ at the end of a sentence to show respect and politeness, for instance: ‘Chào bác ạ! Vâng ạ!’.
When addressing elders or relatives in a family, we should never use the birth names of “ông bà” (grandparents), “cha mẹ” (parents), “cô cậu” (aunt and uncle), “dì dượng” (aunt and uncle by marriage), or “chú bác” (uncles). Instead, we address them based on their familial relationship. For example, you would say:
"Mời ông bà xơi cơm"
(Grandpa, grandma, please eat)
"Mời ba má dùng trà"
(Father and mother, please have tea)
or "Mời cô chú lại chơi"
(Aunt and uncle, please come visit us again)
When speaking to elders, avoid using ‘cái gì’ (what) to ask them to repeat a question, as it can come across as impolite. Instead, people often use ‘điều chi’ to convey respect and politeness. For example, rather than saying ‘cái gì’ or ‘ba bảo con cái gì?’ (Dad, you say what?), you should say ‘ba bảo con điều chi ạ?’ to show courtesy. The phrase ‘cái gì’ is more appropriate when speaking to someone on the same level as you. For instance:
“Anh hỏi tôi cái gì?”
(What did you ask me?)
or “Chị nói cái gì vậy?”
(What did you say?)
When addressing siblings, we typically use 'anh', 'chị', or 'em' before their names or titles. For example:
“Anh Hùng đi vắng, em An đang học bài, chị Kim ra má bảo”
(Hung is not at home, An is studying, Kim, come here)
Younger siblings are not permitted to address 'anh' or 'chị' by their names directly. However, older siblings may refer to younger ones by their names or use 'em' before their name. For instance:
“Hải ra chị bảo cái này!” or “Em Hải ra chị bảo cái này!”
(Hai, come here, I need to tell you something).
In a well-educated family, siblings never refer to each other as ‘mày’ or call themselves ‘tao’. If they do, it reflects a failure on the parents’ part to teach them properly from a young age. Over time, the use of ‘mày’ and ‘tao’ becomes habitual, making it difficult to change.
Parents hold the responsibility of teaching their children from a young age. For instance, if you want your child to greet others, you should demonstrate and guide them by saying something like:
“Chào bác đi con!”
(Say hello to uncle!)
The child will then respond with:
“Chào bác!”
(Hi uncle!)
When relatives visit, parents should introduce them to their children and encourage them to greet the guests politely. If the children are playing outside or in another room, parents should call them over to ensure they properly say hello.
When parents visit their children’s home and guests are present, children should introduce their parents to the guests and the guests to their parents. This helps ensure conversations flow more naturally and respectfully. Always introduce older individuals first.
For children, it is important to repeatedly use pronouns to help them remember. A French educator once said:
"La répétition est l’âme de l’enseignement"
(repetition is the soul of education)
In the context of learning, repetition involves regular reviews, as reflected in the saying:
"văn ôn võ luyện"
(to master literature, one must review it often; to master martial arts, one must practice frequently).
Only by knowing how to address others properly can we bridge the gap and draw closer to them. Otherwise, the distance between us will gradually grow. Relationships among family and relatives can only endure when greetings are exchanged with respect and sincerity. As the old proverb goes:
"Lời chào cao hơn mâm cỗ"
(A respectful greeting is more valuable than offering a lavish meal)
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